Well hello there!
Its been way to long!
Im sorry for my neglect, I just havent had the heart to get on.

somethings wrong with me but i dont know what it is
I just dont feel like myself anymore...
I need your help please...

Hey guys
ok so im like getting tired of seeing the same journal
so i guess ill try and think of a memory like i use too...

weeeell the only one i can think of at the moment is the one that has to do with the boys...its a nice memory though. Might make you laugh...hopefully

*Code Names are in use*

ok... so its friday, the day before my quincea. I wake up all excited and what not. My friend Bella is staying with me. ^^ so cool. anyway, i get up early cuz we gotta decorate and stuff and i get a phone call from Bibi. She needed a ride cuz her dad was going to work and her cuzins werent answering their phones. Nana had told me about their grandpa so i alrealdy knew and then she told me about it. I was all secretly concerned and worried anyway! so i was like cool cool we can take you. So i was all happy. We went and i was happy to see Kai, Purple, Ding Dong, Sambola, and anybody else who went bright and early to help.

So it was a long morning. and to make it worse, Flomar, Shadow, Jerk and Shortie werent anywhere to be seen and still wouldnt answer their phones. And though I had amazing people with me, i was still bored and to make it even worse, Kris showed up. He got on everyones nerves :: Oh let me explain, kris is my cuzin and no body likes him. he is a jerk and overdramatic and a lot of other stuff, dont know why i even stick around. Guess im just to nice to be mean

I thought it was funny. Kris was whistling and my mommy gave me a glare cuz he was annoying her and i was thinking the same thing, and Kai evily said "stop...whistling!" I thought it was so funny. She got him to shut up. *round of applause* my hero kai
so then hes gotta leave (Yessssssss) i guess his mommy got pissed or sumthing but like i care.

Ok so we're like all sitting in a circle, talking and waiting. We were done with most of the decorations for that day. Then its an ackward silence and my phone rings :um hi dede this is youre friend calling. Say hello...hi...whatch you doing" a retard voice. which made it even more funny. It was shortie calling to tell me about her grandpa and how the boys were busy working on the farm and that they would be a lil late but they would get here soon enough. sooooo i was all excited and waiting for them.

Then they came, after a long wait. We had practice and it was all good. then my idiot of a cuzin went up to Shadow and told him that i really like him and that he should ask me out. practically bribing him. pissed me off. really bad. and i remember everyone got mad at him. Its kinda sad cuz from that day on, I never looked at him the same way. I trusted him enough to tell him who i liked and he goes and does that! >.<

anyway...to be continued...

Hey!!!
well i just thought i should let you know that...my last journal was a false alarm...
:dances: IM SO HAPPY BUT I SHOULDNT BE
Well later


so boring...
ill fix it
dont worry

I finally got to see Lil Billy...finally after 9 months of not seeing him...9 months of dreaming bout him...9 momths of wishing...9 months of trying to keep his memory alive and fresh...and it wasnt even the reunion i dreamed of...

I feel very stupid about it.
Why did i expect anything else?
What did i expect anyway?
Did i expect him to talk to me like in october?
Did i expect him to run up to me and hug me?
Did i expect him to remember what went on between us?
Did i expect him to stay the way i remembered him?
Always moving, full of color, smiling, laughing, joking, warm...

No...
But then i remember how shy he was...
it took forever to break those walls that pulled him away from me...the distance and time have built those damn walls agian and im not sure if i can break them again. I used all my mental strenght to keep him mentally close to me. I dont think im strong enough this time. I feel so helpless and small...I dont know what to do...

what scares me the most is, i cant look him in the eyes...
I felt nothing when i saw him...no jolts of energy...invasion of butterflies...no sparks when we dance...my hand in his...
I didnt even talk to him...he didnt talk to me...it was just ackward silence...but i was so comfortable Bob...i joked with him...but i have gotten to know him better, he's been in town longer...

but why are things differnt now? Why do i feel this way? Im just running around in a confusing circle...(lol how funny) thinking about him and me...
I dont know how to exlain it, i dont know what to do.

Flomar is probably happy. Kilowat is trying to help me out as much as possible...thats all i need. Just kilowat...who is always taking care of me...

I dont wanna let go of Lil Billy so soon
But i have a feeling that i'll have too...
maybe i should just hold on to the last memory that i have of him. How do i fight this? How do i go on with half of me still with him...

if im sounded really over dramatic slap me PLEASE!
be expecting some new poems
i feel it coming (lol how weird)

bye bye
love you all
me!!!!

ps.
my apologies for whinning

HEY GUYS!!!!!! I MISSED THIS SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!! ITS BEEN SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOOOONG!!! EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED...

Ill try to get on like i use to do...
My apologizes for not getting on for like ever...
But im not gonnna let that happen again no sir!

SO...where do i go from here....
i dont remember anything...
ill post another journal later...
when i think of something...

bye...